vent...

This being a new mom thing is way more difficult 9 years later...
It is really hard on my 9 year old... partly because his dad and I are no longer together and I am sure seeing me married to Brian and having a baby with Brian is hard to watch and not live with us all full time... He is where he wants to be and I am so blessed that his dad is a good dad. So many times I cry (still) that he is not a part (physically) of my daily life... It is so hard. I keep so much inside because I fear showing weakness.. I stopped writing for fear someone would use my words against me or see weakness in my words... but I think I have to write... this keeping it in is not working at all.

So I am proud mom to an amazing 9 year old son and a 7 week old son... who is also amazing especially when I get some sleep :O). I am struggling just like every other new mom... no sleep... I have recently completely switched him to formula and of course feel like a huge failure that I am not breastfeeding anymore... but it is what it is. I am trying to eat better and totally failing at that. Most days I am too tired to eat anything that is not fast and get anything else done. The baby is not sleeping well at all and I am the one who is up all night with him... I know it gets better right?

My 9 year old does not sleep well here ever since the baby's arrival... and when he misses his dad so much and wants to go home... it hurts my heart BIGTIME. I know this too will pass and get better... I know that he does not do these things to hurt me... it is just his way of dealing.

Well the baby is stirring and I need to get him... more later...