My New World

I am a mother of a 9 year old son from my first marriage who lives full time with his father and my new hubs and I have a newborn son... this is just my place to vent, scream, yell, cry, cheer and just get it out...


Do you remember where you that Tuesday morning? Do you remember how you felt in the moments before the attack? No neither do I. It was insignificant before the planes crashed into the World Trade Center, The Pentagon and the Pennsylvania field. Sure you were probably not thinking how much you loved to be an American or how thankful you were to be free. You were probably on your way to work or getting the children ready for school or maybe you were already at work. We all know where we were and what we were doing on that Tuesday morning in September 2001. I of course cannot tell you where I was on September 10,2001 but because terrorists attacked my country, OUR COUNTRY on September 11, 2001 I will forever know where I was and what I was doing.
I woke up that morning like any other morning around 7 am with Zachary who had just turned 1 at the end of July. We played a bit and then I got his breakfast ready for him around 7:20. I turned on the Today Show to play catch up as I had not watched the news in days, parts of me now wished I had not turned it on. I was watching Matt and Katie as I was folding clothes when they had breaking news that a (at the time I guess everyone assumed it had to of been a personal airplane) a small airplane had crashed into the World Trade Center… they showed pictures and I felt so sad for those people in the building. They of course kept the live picture on the monitors as they were talking and covering the story. About 15 minutes into their coverage a second plane plunged into the other tower of the World Trade Center. I remember thinking to myself, "What a cruel prank for someone to pull.." I had at that very moment had the thought that somehow someone was making it look as if another plane crashed into the other tower. I snapped into reality and realized this was no joke we were under attack. I quickly got Zachary out of his high chair and cleaned him up and held him for as long as he would let me. I thought about all those people in those buildings and how their loved ones must be at home freaking out. I picked up the phone to call Chris at work and tell him what had happened and make sure he was ok. We lived in Irving at the time and he worked for a company that did a lot of work for the government and was in Dallas so I was a bit freaked out. He assured me all would be ok and I think he did not realize til later the enormity of what I had been watching on television.
I was needless to say glued to the television the rest of the day, I felt as if I was watching a movie with no ending. I watched as the 2 towers fell. I watched as the broke news about the Pentagon, the White House being evacuated and about United Flight 93 crashing in the open field in Pennsylvania. I wondered for the rest of the day, hell the rest of the month and probably year what else could happen? I felt as though I had no control over my own life.

I remember watching as each victims story was told on different news programs. I would watch and cry as survivors would tell of people helping them only to realize that the one that saved them later died. I think about the people that were in and around the World Trade Center, and The Pentagon that day, I will never know the despair and fear and hopelessness that must have faced, but each one of those men, women, boys, and girls that lost their life or some part of it that day 8 years ago are my personal heroes. I think a lot about the passengers aboard United flight 93 and how those terrorists must have felt some fear of these brave passengers, when those people decided we will not die in vain. I think it goes to show that all humans can and will work together for the greater good.



I think about that day often not just in September. I think about how great my country is that I am blessed to live in. I would not ever want to call anywhere else my home. We are a country of all kinds of people and beliefs. We are the greatest country in the world. When you mess with us we will mess right back with you. We will not simply roll over and play dead. I am proud to be an American. I hope that each of you will think about how blessed we all are to be here, living in this great country. I hope that we will all stop and remember tomorrow at least for a moment…

Some days are easier than others... today is not one of them. I am sad and depressed... why? Who the hell knows. hormones?? maybe... fact is I am down and I celebrating by having my very own pity party... complete with Oreos and milk... not helping though at all... even if Oreos could help they would not for very long because I am a girl and I quickly realize where those oreos go and so then I have to eat more to help that pain.. which doesn't work... vicious circle girls (and boys)...

I feel so lonely... so disconnected... what happened to having that kind of life where people are around all the time? Doing laundry with your bff and gossiping while the kids are playing in the next room. What happened to people following through with what they say they will do... no matter how big or small... just showing up. Look I am not delusional... I know I have made the mistakes and messed up bigtime... but seriously what happened to it mattering where your heart is. My life is so far from what I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong it is not all bad... by far. I have an amazing hubs... and 2 of the best boys in the world...



Like I said it is a pity party... it doesn't have to be explained....

vent...

This being a new mom thing is way more difficult 9 years later...
It is really hard on my 9 year old... partly because his dad and I are no longer together and I am sure seeing me married to Brian and having a baby with Brian is hard to watch and not live with us all full time... He is where he wants to be and I am so blessed that his dad is a good dad. So many times I cry (still) that he is not a part (physically) of my daily life... It is so hard. I keep so much inside because I fear showing weakness.. I stopped writing for fear someone would use my words against me or see weakness in my words... but I think I have to write... this keeping it in is not working at all.

So I am proud mom to an amazing 9 year old son and a 7 week old son... who is also amazing especially when I get some sleep :O). I am struggling just like every other new mom... no sleep... I have recently completely switched him to formula and of course feel like a huge failure that I am not breastfeeding anymore... but it is what it is. I am trying to eat better and totally failing at that. Most days I am too tired to eat anything that is not fast and get anything else done. The baby is not sleeping well at all and I am the one who is up all night with him... I know it gets better right?

My 9 year old does not sleep well here ever since the baby's arrival... and when he misses his dad so much and wants to go home... it hurts my heart BIGTIME. I know this too will pass and get better... I know that he does not do these things to hurt me... it is just his way of dealing.

Well the baby is stirring and I need to get him... more later...