Some days are easier than others... today is not one of them. I am sad and depressed... why? Who the hell knows. hormones?? maybe... fact is I am down and I celebrating by having my very own pity party... complete with Oreos and milk... not helping though at all... even if Oreos could help they would not for very long because I am a girl and I quickly realize where those oreos go and so then I have to eat more to help that pain.. which doesn't work... vicious circle girls (and boys)...

I feel so lonely... so disconnected... what happened to having that kind of life where people are around all the time? Doing laundry with your bff and gossiping while the kids are playing in the next room. What happened to people following through with what they say they will do... no matter how big or small... just showing up. Look I am not delusional... I know I have made the mistakes and messed up bigtime... but seriously what happened to it mattering where your heart is. My life is so far from what I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong it is not all bad... by far. I have an amazing hubs... and 2 of the best boys in the world...



Like I said it is a pity party... it doesn't have to be explained....

vent...

This being a new mom thing is way more difficult 9 years later...
It is really hard on my 9 year old... partly because his dad and I are no longer together and I am sure seeing me married to Brian and having a baby with Brian is hard to watch and not live with us all full time... He is where he wants to be and I am so blessed that his dad is a good dad. So many times I cry (still) that he is not a part (physically) of my daily life... It is so hard. I keep so much inside because I fear showing weakness.. I stopped writing for fear someone would use my words against me or see weakness in my words... but I think I have to write... this keeping it in is not working at all.

So I am proud mom to an amazing 9 year old son and a 7 week old son... who is also amazing especially when I get some sleep :O). I am struggling just like every other new mom... no sleep... I have recently completely switched him to formula and of course feel like a huge failure that I am not breastfeeding anymore... but it is what it is. I am trying to eat better and totally failing at that. Most days I am too tired to eat anything that is not fast and get anything else done. The baby is not sleeping well at all and I am the one who is up all night with him... I know it gets better right?

My 9 year old does not sleep well here ever since the baby's arrival... and when he misses his dad so much and wants to go home... it hurts my heart BIGTIME. I know this too will pass and get better... I know that he does not do these things to hurt me... it is just his way of dealing.

Well the baby is stirring and I need to get him... more later...